I have failed at the one thing I as a woman should be able to do

I am so proud to be sharing stories from 15 wonderful women around Hertfordshire and Essex for Baby Loss Awareness Week 2019.

Today I would like to introduce Hannah Neale who has bravely shared her story not just here with me, but also with the Bishops Stortford Independent published online today.

Hannah went to one of her many hospital appointments on her own, to be told with no-one there for support, that her son Leo had died.

Hannah with a lion for Leo, his teddy, and his ashes

On February 26th 2019 I had to say goodbye to my little Leo. From the very start of my pregnancy I experienced many common health problems that pregnancy brings like iron deficiency, heart burn and bad morning sickness which I thought nothing of as I had this with my previous pregnancy with my older son, Alfie who is now 5.

My pregnancy with Leo went a little differently as I missed my ‘You’re pregnant’ appointment due to intense morning sickness but as time went I started to go to all the routine tests and scans and did everything I should have. As weeks went my sickness was getting worse and I found it hard to leave my bed as I just didn’t have the strength and couldn’t go longer than 10 minutes without being sick, I had my partner and friends helping me with Alfie and his school were very understanding of my situation as my school run now took twice as long due to the constant stops to be sick.

As I got worse I was scheduled for more tests; with each scan he was measuring weeks ahead then with the next scan measured even further ahead than he should be. At this point they didn’t express any concerns but wanted to monitor Leo's development so I was scheduled for more frequent scans. At 21 weeks they did all the normal measurements and checks, they explained to me that his heart was measuring slightly smaller than it should compared to his size but said it wasn’t a significant difference to require further tests.

Leo was kicking and constantly moving, he was a very strong little boy. Both Alfie and Leo had a little spot on my lower right side which they loved to push deep into. It caused me pain but a pain that I loved as I got to push them back in and could feel them get comfortable.

I went to many of my appointments alone as I had so many. At 23+5 weeks I went in as planned but was told they couldn't find his heartbeat. I had gone to this scan alone. I really struggle to remember much after this as all I could think was how strong he was kicking me the day before. I felt like everything was just moving around me but I couldn't move or speak. They were talking but it just went through me. My brain clicked back in when I heard them talk about termination procedures. I had 2 options; carry for longer and be induced or as I fell under the government termination limit I could have a termination procedure. This was a choice I never though id have to make or even consider. There was no good option.

I felt let down by my body. I still feel let down. I have failed at the one thing I as a woman should be able to do, I couldn’t carry and protect my child.

I was scheduled for a procedure a week later. This was a decision I made, I made it quickly and before I had even got my head round what was happening. I couldn’t even think how I was going to tell my partner that my routine appointment was actually news that would change everything. I feel awful that I made the decision alone with out talking it through with him but once I explained it we both agreed its was the right choice for us. I knew I couldn’t carry him any longer knowing he wasn’t still growing. I couldn’t cope with the idea of people asking me questions like: how was I feeling? am I getting excited? when is my due date? and so many other questions, as just looking at me you wouldn’t know what I was going through. I wouldn’t know how to even answer questions like that and it would kill me little by little if I had to.

As I still had a few months left of my pregnancy we hadn’t chosen a name but I knew I wanted to name him while I still had him with me. I had to be alone for the day as there were others there so I was messaging my partner as we narrowed down names. We decided on Leo due to the meaning of strength which he had even till his last day, we gave him the middle name of Philomena who is the patron saint of babies and infants. Before I was put under I was asked if we'd want an autopsy to fully understand what happened but I declined. I couldn’t put him through that and we just wanted him to rest.

I was a shell of a person for a long time and am still not fully back. For the first few weeks a lot of things upset me like being able to easily pick something up off the floor, finding a top to wear that shouldn't fit me but it does or not feeling a pain from where he would always push his feet into my hip. I took my anger out on my partner, my friends and my family and I always feel bad for that. To this day they are still helping me through. I have struggled each day especially going towards my due date 29th June 2019 and watching others I love starting families of their own.

My hardest part was explaining to my son Alfie why my bump had gone and why his brother wouldn't be here with us. It was the first time I had to explain it in a simple and happier way. Strangely it helped more than anything else. We talked about how his brother is now up in heaven with other little babies and he is warm and safe. Alfie asked if it was like a playground and liked the fact his brother is playing and having fun. Alfie said Leo is up in the moon watching us and we can blow bubbles up to him, which we often do. Alfie often draws pictures for him and talks about him especially when we watch DreamWorks movies as it has the little boy who floats up to the moon. Alfie often asks little questions about Leo and I love answering as I like to think of Leo this way rather than remembering what happened. I do not hesitate talking about Leo and don’t mind when people have questions as yes it did happen but Leo still exists and as much as I want to I can’t change what happened.

We still don’t have many answers to what happened and I know we never will, but Leo is loved by so many people and will always be a constant in our lives. I am proud to be his mum. I am a mum of 2 boys, Alfie and Leo.

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