The boys were diagnosed with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS)

I was honoured to take photos of 15 amazing women for Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15th October 2019) and be part of the "15 faces of babyloss" project, in conjunction with East Herts SANDS and Bishops Stortford Rainbows and Sunshines group.

Today I would like to introduce Aimee and her surviving twin James.

Aimee had a traumatic pregnancy with her twins involving surgery to try and save their lives. After several weeks in hospital and a very premature birth, she had to grieve one son while bringing up his brother..

On the 31st January 2016, I gave birth 13 weeks prematurely to two beautiful identical twin boys; James and Arthur. Sadly, Arthur died shortly after birth as the decision was made that he was just too small and poorly to be put on life support. James was in intensive, high dependency and special care for a long time and has been in and out of hospital ever since due to health problems, overcoming sepsis and 5 operations to name a few.

Aimee holding her premature son James in the NICU

I found the pregnancy extremely traumatic as a problem was identified at the 12 week scan and the boys were diagnosed with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) at just 14 weeks. By 15 weeks the boys were very close to dying and I had a specialist procedure called laser ablation surgery. This corrected the TTTS but left Arthur with a much smaller percentage of the placenta and led to my waters breaking at 24 weeks. At this point, we were told that Arthur was unlikely to survive but we held on to every last moment of hope until he took his final breaths in my arms.

After spending three weeks at UCLH and my dreams of both my boys surviving growing stronger everyday, I went into labour at 27 weeks. I felt the greatest amount of pain I’ve ever experienced when they gave me Arthur and told me to say goodbye. Whilst we had made plans for this moment, I can assure you that nothing prepares you for losing your child. I felt so helpless from the epidural and to this day I wonder if the right decision was made or if I should have fought harder and insist they put him on life support. Did they know that if he did have severe disabilities, I would have loved him with all my heart and brought him up with pride? Would he have had the strength and fight that his brother does and overcome their medical predictions? And why didn’t I think to ask someone to take a picture of them when they were taken out of me, cuddling each other and brining everyone in the room to tears?

Losing a twin brings with it so many more emotions than grief, and at times it feels like a very lonely experience; especially when your surviving twin faces his own challenges. I will always remember the day after Arthur’s funeral, James was rushed to the Royal London Hospital for life saving surgery and as I laid awake in charitable accommodation waiting for it to be over, all I could think about was whether or not we would be able to bury James next to Arthur if he died. Losing a child is no longer an irrational fear and one that I face every time James is taken to A&E with difficulty breathing.

And yes, I know that I am lucky to have James and I am so grateful for his presence, bringing joy to our life and family everyday. But he is also a constant reminder of what we don’t have and as he grows up and learns about Arthur, it breaks my heart that he too is missing his brother. I grieve for him as much as I do for me.

Having always suffered with anxiety, I am open about my mental health and was diagnosed with depression and PTSD six months after the boys were born. I am doing “well” now but I still have moments where I feel like I am falling back down into that dark pit. Fortunately, medication and supportive friends and family ensure that my head (at least) stays above the ground. Me and my Husband have decided that having another baby is beyond our emotional and psychological limits, although it is something we long for. We may consider adoption in the future but for now we are focusing on looking after ourselves and James. And always, remembering Arthur.

I'd like to finish this blog by thanking Aimee for sharing her personal journey of loss and love. When I asked Aimee if she had any photos of the boys together, she sadly did not. So for anyone going through a similar journey, I wanted to make you aware of a charity called "Remember my Baby" who will endeavour to send a photographer out free of charge to take photos of a baby who has died and their family.

Freephone 0808 189 2345

Website: www.remembermybaby.org.uk

Please check out Maddy Rogers Newborn photography, who takes baby photos in Grimsby, Lincolnshire. Maddy is explaining today all about the Retouching service she offers to RMB families, as well as parents who weren't able to get a photographer to visit, but would like unto 3 of their own photos tastefully edited. https://www.maddyrogers-photography.co.uk/remember-my-baby-charity-why-i-am-a-volunteer-retoucher/

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by Joanne Lewis • 26 November 2020

I couldn't let Black Friday 2020 go by without some amazing deals for my wonderful and valued customers... I've missed you all so much this year, but have loved the few shoots I was able to squeeze in between lockdowns and Home Education. With all the optimism I can muster for next year (I am naturally a pretty positive person) I am offering some spectacular deals on vouchers for my Hertford Studio and outdoor or on-location sessions next year (packages may be given as gifts, but please confirm preferred locations around Hertfordshire and some parts of London, Cambridgeshire and Essex with me before booking).