So many what if's go through your mind...

I was reminded of this quote because Georgina said to me as part of her interview "I am proud to say I’m a mother of 4, 1 in my arms and 3 in the sky"... Just hearing this sums up baby loss to me. It is the gift that keeps on giving. 

I met Georgina at Sunshine and Rainbows group Bishops Stortford, and it breaks my heart that she has been left with those gut wrenching questions that so many of us are left with... "what if". It's the ultimate question that will never be answered, and always follows us. 

With Grace I had a c-section due to her being breech, so I was hoping for a natural birth this time. As my body had never been into labour fully before, I wasn’t sure what to expect but we were excited to be meeting our little boy hopefully by the end of the day. I remember in the morning my contractions felt normal. How your body can go from excruciating pain to feeling normal and then back again, I just couldn’t get over. We were admitted into hospital around 10am. However the pain definitely changed come the afternoon. By 2pm the pain was so bad I could hardly move and I remember thinking I couldn’t tell what was a contraction and what wasn’t. I did voice it to a midwife that something wasn’t right, but she said it was all normal. I thought at that point she must see so many women in pain, she probably thought I was just being a wimp. I was given pain killers, however these didn’t touch the sides. 

We found out his brain was so damaged, if we were to keep him alive, he would have no quality of life, he would be severely disabled and possibly not even able to recognise us. 

We made the heart breaking decision to turn his life support off the next day, where he died peacefully in my arms with my husband and grandparents around him. I will never forget that day. 

I never heard him cry or got to see his eyes open. We called him Gabriel and he looked so much like his sister but with mousey brown hair, where Grace was born with jet black hair.