Six years on, I have found what many bereaved parents call a ‘new normal’

Baby Loss Awareness Week is important not just as an opportunity for bereaved parents to talk about there children and help break the taboo surrounding this most heartbreaking subject, but also to help bring the topic to light with doctors, nurses and hospitals so that they can learn from past errors in care and reduce stillbirth and neonatal death rates in the future.

I have had a positive pregnancy test result four times in my life. Each has been under different circumstances and each has resulted in very different emotions. When I saw the words “Pregnant 3+ weeks” on the digital test I took in autumn 2012, the overriding feelings were “how on earth am I going to cope with a newborn when I’ve got a baby and a toddler”. I am the middle of three daughters, and had I ever actually sat to plan it, I probably would have said I would ideally like to have three children too. The feeling of panic did pass, and when we learnt that our third child was also a girl, there was a sense of things falling into place, albeit a little sooner than either of us had thought. Oh and there was still quite a bit of panic.

In the very early hours of 5th April 2013, a similar bleed woke me up. Being almost 39 weeks pregnant at this stage, I took my hospital bag, the baby car seat and went off to hospital thinking they might not want to send me home this time, not being so close to my due date. I left my husband and the girls sleeping at home, why disturb them when he could just come along later when it just be more practical, it’s not like I was actually in labour yet. 

Early in the morning of 6th April 2013, Violet Serena Raja was born in the peace and quiet of the Chamberlain Room at Princess Alexandra Hospital. The birth was mercifully straightforward (I was right in one respect, my body does know how to give birth) and our fears that she would look damaged or in pain were also mercifully unfounded. Violet was perfect and so like her older sisters. My body had kept her warm and she was soft, with dark hair, a tiny nose and lovely lips. We smiled, we were proud, and we loved her with the profound love familiar to all parents. But the silence in the room when she was born was just awful. The feeling when she didn’t cry and when I saw her lifeless body were unbearable. Until my dying day I will not be able to think on those things without feeling physical pain. She was still, she was silent and she would never open her eyes to see everyone who loved her so much.

I took one more pregnancy test, this was just before Christmas in 2016. We didn’t feel happy when we saw that positive result, rather we dreaded nine long months with no certainty we would be able to bring this new baby home. With support, great medical care and lots and lots of Picnic bars, we got through 38 weeks of worry. Our fourth child, our baby boy, was born in August 2017. Abel means “breath of life” in Hebrew, and his name sums up how precious and precarious life is and how we feel about him and all his sisters.