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Photographing 15 Faces of Baby Loss - Gigliola Mazzone Hartley
Joanne Lewis • 7 October 2019
I asked all my friends to photograph Livia's name & made a beautiful canvas
For Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15th October 2019) I have taken part of the "15 faces of babyloss" project. Today I would like to introduce Gigliola.
Gigliola was the first person I met who'd also lost a child after we lost our own son. It had only been 3 weeks, and I'd taken my eldest son to his settling in session at preschool where I bumped into a "mum-friend" who asked how I was. I was explaining that our son Phoenix had died, and Gigliola was within ears reach - she came over and explained not only had her daughter Livia been stillborn, but it turned out on the same date as our son (3 years earlier).
Gigliola has gone on to not only be a close personal friend, but also become a SANDS Befriender, taken over running East Herts SANDS, and founded Hertford Sunshines and rainbows group.
The midwives gave us a box with her hand and foot prints, a photo of her, and a lock of hair
My husband and I had been struggling to conceive for a few years after we got married, so we started some tests and discovered I have a uterus didelphus (or double uterus as some people call it) which means that chances of conceiving naturally were slim. We therefore were referred to an IVF clinic.
We went through the process, starting with injections after injections until the day of the extraction of the eggs arrived. 10 were fertilised becoming embryos, but only one survived and we decided to transfer it back in my womb. That tiny embryo was the only survivor out of 10, so when we were lucky enough to find out that I was pregnant with that embryo, we were so hopeful that our strong embryo would have been strong enough to become a baby...our baby!!
The months went by and all seemed normal. At the 20weeks scan we found out that our little ‘Bean’(as we originally called her) would have been a girl who we decided we would have called Livia (as my husband and I like Roman names).
Livia was full of beans... I started to feel her moving around since she was 17 weeks and since then she had never stopped. In particular, Livia started to move and kick when we listened to music... how funny it was feeling those kicks while I was driving on my way to work every day. She moved and kicked when she heard Daddy talking to her or while I was reading her a book.
My husband, being one of three boys, started to get used to the idea of having a girl thinking about what to do with her...I was getting so excited to get my baby doll, but I was refraining myself from buying anything as I didn’t want to take anything for granted...I sort of felt negative about the success of the outcome (although this definitely didn’t help to make things more bareable later on!).
Part of the condition of my uterus was the potential risk of premature birth as there might not have been enough space for the baby to grow full term, so from after 25weeks I was scanned every two weeks. I did everything the doctors said, never questioned anything, never doubting that the British health care system, one of the most advanced in the world, could fail me.
I wasn’t arguing the fact I was seeing a different consultant every time, I wasn’t arguing when they told me just to count the kicks, I wasn’t arguing that I didn’t need any monthly blood tests.
When reading through a diary I wrote about the pregnancy, it came up that at a scan done at 28 weeks the sonographer noticed a slow growth so I wished for better news at the next scan. At the 30 weeks scan, the news didn’t get any better. The sonographer noticed that Livia’s head was on the small side, so asked me if their was a family history of small heads? We had a long conversation about who in my or my husband’s family could have small heads, but there was no mention of doing further tests to find out why the head was smaller than usual.
The consultant - a different one again - showed her slight concerns, but told me not to worry and sent me back home telling me to count Livia’s kicks. They needed to be 10 in a day. Livia did her first 10 kicks first thing in the morning, so for what I knew she was fine, and therefore probably didn’t pay a lot of attention to the movements done during the rest of the day. We had a little pattern. She did a lot of kicking late in the evening, then she used to fall asleep while I was asleep and at about 6am she started kicking again waking me up.
On Sunday 8th August 2010, two days before my next scan, at 32 weeks, Livia didn’t wake up. I started prodding her, nothing, I read somewhere to drink something cold, nothing, I waited but nothing. I felt it wasn’t right but tried to be positive and waited for a few more hours. Then I took the decision to call the hospital. I was asked to go in to be checked. My husband and I went to the hospital. One of the midwives couldn’t hear the heartbeat so she thought to use a portable scanner. As it was Sunday only the portable scanner could be used. She still couldn’t see anything so she asked a consultant to come in and shortly after very bluntly he said: "I’m sorry, your baby is dead!".
We couldn’t believe our ears. We thought that something was not right but we didn’t imagine to hear those words. The doctor and midwife left the room and my husband and I hugged each other and started to cry. Our baby stopped living and our lives stopped with her, we couldn’t imagine a life without her. A new life with our baby that we longed for many years, a dream that was about to become true, suddenly had vanished, destroyed, and our lives were changed for ever.
When the doctor came back to talk through the options, I suggested c-section as my first reaction was to have the baby out of my body, but the doctor persuaded me to have Livia naturally. I got persuaded and I need to thank that doctor for encouraging to take that decision because I had the chance to get used to the idea of what happened and to have the chance to say goodbye to our baby before she was born.
We came back home still very much pregnant hopeful that the doctor had made a mistake. We were hoping that she would have suddenly woken up and all would have been ok again. It wasn’t the case. The next day we went back to the hospital and the big scanner confirmed that Livia died. I was therefore initiated to the process of preparing to give birth.
On Wednesday I went back to the hospital and I started to be induced. The pills didn’t start to kick in until the next day.
On Thursday at 1pm I gave birth with just two pushes to my beautiful girl. My husband helped the midwife while she was washing and dressing Livia. My mum was there with us in silence in desperation for her daughter and her first granddaughter. I was full of morphine, so my husband had to wake me up to give me the chance to hold her and spend some time with her before it was too late. I struggled to keep my eyes open and I don’t remember much of her facial features but I cherish those moments. She looked perfect, just as if she was asleep with those black hair popping out of the pink hat.
I gave her back to my husband and went back to sleep. At 11pm the chaplain came and I woke up again. We had Livia blessed. I was a bit more awake but Livia started to change colour so my husband and I thought it was time to let her go. We wanted to remember her in her pink colour. I do regret though being asleep and not spending more time with her. The cuddle cots didn’t exist yet!!!
Livia was taken away and on the next day the midwives gave us a box with her hand and foot prints, a photo of her, and a lock of hair.... they are the only things left of her and they are the most precious things I own.
The next day we came back home, still wearing maternity clothes, wearing a tight bra to stop the milk coming, we went back in pieces, devastated for the lost life we’d have had with Livia.
After six months I naturally fell pregnant with our rainbow Alex and after 3 years I fell pregnant with Marcus who, after a similar growth restriction as then we found out the Livia had, was born at 36 weeks.
People might think that the births of Livia’s brothers have cancelled our memory of her or our pain for losing her. On the contrary, they make it even more difficult at times as I always think that there is the missing piece in our family that can’t make me fully happy and that piece is my gorgeous baby girl Livia.
A picture of Santa and me...
... Buy one, Get one Free*
... a second print using the same photo for free*
... a mounted print of a photo she's created for me*
I couldn't let Black Friday 2020 go by without some amazing deals for my wonderful and valued customers... I've missed you all so much this year, but have loved the few shoots I was able to squeeze in between lockdowns and Home Education. With all the optimism I can muster for next year (I am naturally a pretty positive person) I am offering some spectacular deals on vouchers for my Hertford Studio and outdoor or on-location sessions next year (packages may be given as gifts, but please confirm preferred locations around Hertfordshire and some parts of London, Cambridgeshire and Essex with me before booking).
You will need: an egg box scissors black and white paint paint brush googly eyes glue (hot glue gun ideally) black felt tip pen string or ribbon for hanging
You will need: an egg box scissors white paint paint brush black felt tip pen or sharpie goggly eyes and glue (optional)
You will need: an egg box scissors Orange (or yellow and red) paint paint brush black felt tip pen or sharpie lollypop stick glue green paper/card for leaf
You will need: an egg box scissors black paint paint brush googly eyes glue Red paper/card for bow-tie White paper/card for shirt and teeth
You will need: an egg box scissors green and black paint (or I used a green egg box for the head) paint brush googly eyes glue black paper/card for hat orange paper/card for hair
