I didn't really have time to mourn...

As part of pregnancy, birth and infant loss awareness month, I am sharing the stories of 15 local women from Hertfordshire and Essex with Hertford and Bishops Stortford Rainbows and Sunshines groups and East Herts Sands.

Today I would like to introduce Michelle and her beautiful daughter Darcy.

Michelle lost her long wanted first born daughter Ivy May 6 years ago, and shares intimate details of her long and painful journey through grief and IVF to bring a living child home...

Birdseye view of smiling mother and daughter playing

On the 16th September 2013 my world collapsed when I was told at a 'routine' appointment that my baby's heartbeat had stopped.

At our 20 week scan I was told something in my babies head was 9mm and they needed to double check in 2 weeks time to check it wasn't any bigger than 10mm. I was assured it was quite routine, it was booked for a couple of weeks later on my 1st day back to work after our holiday so I thought i'd go alone as my mum was away and my husband had work; i'll always be grateful that my mother in law insisted on joining me. The scan seemed quite normal and they took lots of measurements and I remember thinking, i'll let them finish and then ask to hear the heartbeat. The doctor then said I'm very sorry there is no heartbeat and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Smiling so happy playing with her rainbow daughter

On the 18th September 2013 my perfect daughter Ivy May was born with all of her fingers and all of her toes, complete with tiny little nails... but she had no breath, no life, no heartbeat and I was too scared to hug her incase I hurt her; silly I know, but that's how I felt.

I didn't really have time to mourn as I quickly had to make the decision to go for my 3rd IVF attempt before my 40th Birthday or the NHS would not fund it. It failed, of course it did, the guilt I felt going through it when my baby had only been gone 3 months was too much. A year later I had one last shot with a frozen embryo, it failed, it was only then I started to mourn my loss.

We decided to live our lives, we were lucky we had each other and a good life. A year later we decided we would pay and try one last time to fulfil our dream to have a family, our 5th IVF attempt......

.....It failed!

We were told it was perfect and they had no idea why it didn't work. My body had failed me and my family again. We still had two embryos left but while they were there I still had hope, I did not think it would work so I dragged my heels, kept it quiet and it was 6 months before we used them.

I was pregnant!

We were so shocked when we were blessed with our Rainbow baby Darcy, she is a joy to the world, our little ray of sunshine but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I tried to ignore my pregnancy which must have been hard for others. I broke down at every scan or appointment, and then I had a living breathing reminded of what we had lost, but I would not have it any other way.

Ivy May written in the sand at the beach

I will never forget my first born. Darcy will always hear her big sister Ivy's name. She is not a replacement, she is a sibling. Through all of this East Herts SANDS and the special friends I have met have been my rock, they understand more than anyone else possibly can and they really were our life line.

I am blessed with wonderful family and friends and I love them all very much for being part of our journey and trying to understand xx

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Unbelievable Photography deals Black Friday 2020

by Joanne Lewis • 26 November 2020

I couldn't let Black Friday 2020 go by without some amazing deals for my wonderful and valued customers... I've missed you all so much this year, but have loved the few shoots I was able to squeeze in between lockdowns and Home Education. With all the optimism I can muster for next year (I am naturally a pretty positive person) I am offering some spectacular deals on vouchers for my Hertford Studio and outdoor or on-location sessions next year (packages may be given as gifts, but please confirm preferred locations around Hertfordshire and some parts of London, Cambridgeshire and Essex with me before booking).